A voice taken away

Joseph was born in 1977 in a small town in the state of Oregon. At the time, his parents were separated but needless to say in his mother’s womb, he believed that’s when the unwelcome voices began. You’re probably wondering how that is. Well, when his parents got married, his father already had three other children from a previous marriage and one from another relationship. Prior to him being conceived, his parents had his sister. She was born in 1975. Joseph’s mother was told she couldn’t have any children so this was a miracle to her. When his mother found out she was pregnant with him, she went to tell his father who was in the bathtub at the time. He jumped out of the tub and said she had to choose between him & the baby. Of course she chose Joseph. The reason he even knows this story is because as a kid he heard his mother & aunt discussing it. As any young person would be, he was devastated. The thought that his father wouldn’t want him?What was wrong with me? He thought. Is it because I’m different?Am I ugly? Am I a mistake? These are the thoughts that ran through his mind constantly. But it all started to make sense. Growing up, he was oftentimes mistreated by his father & his father’s side of the family especially his grandmother. On birthdays his grandmother would send his sister birthday cards each year with money in them and Joseph wouldn’t get anything when his birthday came two days after his sister’s. Or on Christmas when their dad would pick them up and take them over to see their grandparents, he’d always get one Christmas gift and his sister and other cousins had several. Joseph’s gift was usually a shirt that was too small and he would have to give it to his little sister.

Joseph first noticed he lost his voice in the 2nd grade at age 7 when his aunt (his mother’s sister) talked him into writing his grandmother a letter expressing how hurt it made him to be treated indifferent. He received a call from his father who was angry and demanded that he apologize to his grandmother for such lies. Joseph was made to feel guilty even though he knew it was the truth. He apologized to his grandmother as she cried and said she’d never treated him indifferent. At that moment, Joseph lost his voice and was made to believe what he felt was not real. He would begin a journey of believing every hurt he encountered was self afflicted and deserved because of who he was. And there was no one to talk to about such pain so he began to write…